This is going to be a very personal post, so if you usually come here to read about my writing or the writing business this probably isn’t the post for you.
My son Alexander is a ten-year-old fifth grader. His birthday is in August, so he’s the youngest kid in his class. He’s very bright (in kindergarten he read through every book they had in the room, so the teachers got him second grade books to read, which he also ripped through), but like most boys his age doesn’t have a lot of motivation about school work. He’d rather zoom through it as fast as he can and go play. I’m okay with that because (a) I was that way when I was his age, and (b) I’m aware of it and make sure he gets his work done anyway.
His mom and I are divorced, and I have since remarried. My ex and I on friendly terms and have joint custody of Alex. She has him for a week, then I have him for a week, with the switch occurring on Sunday nights. He loves it, it works for us, and it’s been that way for four years now.
Alex just found out that his best friend AJ is going to move in June. His dad’s in the military and is being reassigned to Newport News, Virginia. I was getting ready to run him over to his mom’s house when AJ told him about the move. Alex was upset in the car, close to tears, and I felt really bad for him. I told him it was okay to be sad, and that I’d had one of my best friends move away when I was about his age so I completely understood how he felt.
He told me he wouldn’t have anyone to play with. I reminded him about his buddies Devon and Britton and Jack and David. His reply was that he never sees them. I knew he was down and sometimes a person just needs to wallow a bit in their despondency, so I didn’t remind him that the reason he doesn’t see them that often outside of school is that he’s always playing with AJ, and when AJ is no longer around he’ll have more time for the other boys. They don’t live in our development like AJ does, which means I’ll be driving him more, but none of them are far, so I’m okay with that.
Then I asked him a question and got a response that has haunted me since. I asked if there were other kids his age in the development that he saw on the bus or at school. He said there were a couple of other boys in the neighborhood but that they called him “retard” and “fag” and all manner of lovely names.
I was stunned. I asked him if this happened on the bus stop or on the bus. He said on the bus. I asked if he’d done or said anything to them, and he said no (and I believe him because I can usually tell when he’s lying or trying to be evasive).
I hate this. Hate hate hate it. Because there’s nothing I can do. I’m going to talk to him tonight and tell him to just ignore them and hope they leave him alone when they can’t get a rise out of him. But if he says anything to the bus driver that’ll be the same as throwing chum into shark-infested waters. Those two little assholes will be all over him, sensing that he’s “weak.”I’m hesitant to say anything to his teacher or principal for the same reason.
Anyone care to chime in with thoughts on this? Is there anything else I can do that won’t make things worse?
Very difficult situation Dave, I went through this situation when I was a kid. Sometimes it still bothers me. So, I am biased but I always wished that I had received permission to fight from my dad. Once a kid gets through a scuffle, the bullies usually leave them alone because they like easier targets. So I say, Hit em first, hit em hard. I have told my daughter that she would never be in trouble by me if she defends herself from a bully. I don’t care if I have to pick her up from the Principal’s office. I’m fine with that. But like I said, I’m kind of biased. We should discuss further over a beer.
I’ve thought about that very thing and I really wouldn’t get mad at him if he fought them, but I don’t think Alex would do it. Even though he likes shoot-’em-up video games he’s not a very physical kid at all. I’m just trying to figure out what exactly is the best way for him to defend himself.
Let’s definitely talk Friday. Thanks for the comments.
Hi Guys, nowadays the ‘pop ‘em the nose’ backfires. Most parents will defend their bully to the nth degree even with photographic evidence (ask me about that story someday) and yours will end up in hot water, BUT the bullying still won’t stop. The squeaky wheel (Alex) will be the one to get moved, or reassigned etc. If A doesn’t get upset or react, the bullies will move on. Same with the siblings. (LOL – sibs don’t care)
Though, I do tell mine that the bully has someone at home calling them names and treating them horribly. Dave, if you walk A to the bus stop, try engaging the bullies in conversation, just pleasant, did ya see the game stuff. It’s very disarming to them. Most don’t have any grownups that speak kindly to them.
I don’t find schools or bus drivers very helpful in this situation even though they have policies coming out their ears.
And thank Alex (and you)for being a friend to a military kid, I’ve see a lot of civilians lose interest in developing a friendship when they find out someone will move away.
Hi Dave,
Reading your blog just broke my heart. My son is nine and I will never forget the day he broke down and told me he thought no one liked him because he was “weird”. I could hardly breath I was so upset. All I could think about was how I was going to help him. I do know this…they DO NOT want you involved. Once I promised him I wouldn’t go talk to his teacher ect., I realized that it was something he was going to have to handle on his own. My husband and I talked to him and reassured him that he was NOT weird, reminding him of all the cool things he does, and that kids that do that kind of teasing most likely have other reasons for saying things like that. Maybe they are jealous of you or maybe someone said the same thing to them once. The point was to not to believe what they say and know who you are.
After that I would ask him about it every now and then and after a while it just didn’t seem to be an issue anymore. When kids don’t get a reaction they often get bored and move on. If I were you I would try talking to him about it now and then to see if it continues. I’m guessing it won’t but if it does then it’s time to get involved. Go to the principle and explain the situation and how you are concerned about the repercussions this could have on your son if the other boys found out where the complaint was coming from. If the principle is a good one he will be able to handle it without them ever knowing where it came from. We had a boy on our bus doing the same thing and they told him there was a camera on the bus that observed his bad behavior and for the rest of the year he had to sit in the front seat by himself.
I feel your pain, no one likes to see their child being bullied and Alex should not have to deal with that during his ride to and from school!
Good luck, hope things get better.
Thanks, Katie and Lori (and Kyra who sent me an email). I talked with Alex tonight after work. I’ll post an update later tonight or tomorrow when I have time. I really appreciate the advice.
Hello,
I don’t mean to be the dissenting opinion, but I am not sure that ignoring a bully is the best response. I have recently started a blog because my daughter came home and said she had witnessed bullying, in kindergarten. She didn’t call it bullying of course, but she had mentioned that kids were not lett her play with other kids, or that certain kids couldn’t be friends.
After researching it, I found out that although it seems bullying is just as prevelant in the lower grades, there isn’t as much done about it. I believe this is because we live in a cultur that assumes it is a right of passage.
I do not belive that ignoring it is not always the best option, but rather one option. Bullying may take time to stop and it is hard to consistently ignore someone completely with no response.
Bullies continue to bully because they have been reinforced in some way. As much as a child may ‘ignore’ it they do respond. Imagine someone is disrespectful or rude to you, there is little chance that you do not respond in someway based on body language.
If your child wants to ignore it and it doesn’t seen to affect him, or it is effective and the bully stops, that is great. However, he is telling you, so it must affect him in some way.
I recommend that you mention it to the teachers, and see what sort of bullying curriculum are in place. Bullying affects not only the victim, but the witnesses and the bully as well. Part of the reason that bullying persists is because we expect children to handle it on their own and their are not fully equipped with tools to do so. Even as adults we do not always know how to deal with a ‘bully’ or some other aggressive person at work or elsewhere.
Teachers are very busy and may not have even noticed it, in part because bullies become adept at hiding it.
It is important to keep talking to your son about it his school day and to keep the lines open. If you have told your son to ignore it and it persists, and your son feels hurt by it, he may not tell you repeatedly because he would feel he is not able to handle it according to your expectations.
Bullying can affect children immensely from psychosomatic illness, reduced school preformance, isolation, depression, eating disorders, and at the extreme suicide.
If the teachers are not willing to address the issue with the class, be persistent. Bullying does not just go away.
I just wanted to offer a different side of the scenario. I have just started my blog, but I have some bullying resources linked to it and am adding more everyday. Please feel free to look around and good luck.
Here is a good page for kids that offers some advice
http://www.stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/kids/are-you-being-bullied.aspx
Hi Beth. Thanks for taking the time to write. I agree that ignoring a bully doesn’t always work, especially if the bully is being physical, or highly verbally abusive. But in this case it seems more that these other kids were taunting my son to get a rise out of him, and when he didn’t respond they seem to have lost interest. But you’re right, in some situations ignoring them would not have worked at all.